Alright kiddies! I'm surviving. Teaching 3 classes a week is much better! although, true to form, i continue to agonize over those classes and how crap they are! ah, TEFl is a farce. Nobody has any idea what they're doing; they just don't take it as hard as i do.
I'm trying to find other means of income. think i will be able to get some work helping out in the office at ITC, where i did my TEFL course. money not great, but it never is! To all of my editor friends, if you have any writing/ editing work at all--book reviews, interviews, any sheise that needs doing etc--that I could do from over here, please use and abuse me! The money isn't much, but it goes along way in good ole Prague. Still only a buck a beer!
Ach, well. Otherwise, things fairly good. John too kind, and puts up with me. Weather is turning cold and gray...

alright alrgith

so, OK, I'm not quite going to quit, but i'm going to significantly cut down my hours so I'm only working a handful a week. Then if I get comfortable with it, I'll build them back up. And I'll live like a pauper in the meantime! well, I hope I've not disappointed any of you lot. I'm just doing the best i can out here! with all my attendant fears etc.

To quit or not to quit

I'm seriously considering quitting the job I've had for two weeks. Teaching English is such a rollercoaster of ups and downs and for someone with a woeful anxiety disorder its just a bit too much. Much too much, in fact. Its tapped into every fear I've ever had: performance anxiety, public speaking anxiety, feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing, being ill-prepared for work, etc. I just don't think it suits my temperament at all! And then every now and then I'll have just a wonderful lesson and I'll think maybe it's all worth it. I have no idea what to do. And I spend most of every day just shuttling from one scary business to another to teach stuff I have no idea about and it takes hours and hours just travelling. I don't want to come home--I love living here, and the people I've met--but I don't know how long I can last with no job (or if I can find another job!). The cycle of anxiety, fear, anguish, despair, and relief can only go on so long...

emotional rollercoaster

I've never been so miserable, nor so happy, in my whole life. Teaching English is so terrifying sometimes its not funny--talk about baptism by fire! You're thrown into teaching 23 hours a week with little to no idea what you're doing. Everyday I walk into class terrified that I'll never make it through. Honestly, I don't know that I can survive it. I keep bursting into tears I'm so overwhelmed, and I barely can get any sleep so I'm working off 6 hours a night, which for anyone who knows me knows is not nearly enough.

And then there's John, who alleviates and excerbates the problem. I fear all I do now is complain to him and weep periodically, and he's so kind about it but I think he's grown weary of the whole thing. What is wrong with me? And then I don't get any sleep because I'm spending too much time with him, taking $20 cab rides home at 2 in the morning...but its the only time I don't feel like I just want to give up! oh, what will I do? I don't think I'll survive this...

yes, alright!

Good points all, professionals. I have to say only that I think the similarities are superficial and the differences important. The thing about this John is that he's so kind and actually listens to me! I would spend an hour on the phone with old Jon and he'd talk the whole time. I think I talk too much sometimes with new John. Nice John! John with an h. Oh, but really. We spent 8 hours yesterday just wandering around the city. No drinking involved! Not a drop (well, he was an alcoholic for a long time...). I don't think I ever hung out with old Jon without getting shitty-faced drunk bc I was so uneasy around him. This John is so easy to talk to! I even joked about the re-creation of old romantic disasters. He laughed and sort of grimaced, and said he could understand the concern. He has dated girls who always end up leaving Prague and leaving him in the lurch, so he's got his own set of re-creating disaster concerns. But he's so lovely, and well, its far too soon to tell, but it feels like something real. I mean, i don't think I've ever even had anything real.

interviewing, interviewing

So I'm off to my first job interview this morning, with a crappy looking resume that printed all wonky out of the computer at school and just praying they won't ask me to get up and teach on the fly. I have another interview tomorrow which will require that I plan and teach parts of a 90 minute lesson on reported speech. Does this mean anything to anyone? No, me neither.

Well, so instructor crush and I have a possible rendezvous, although I suspect his intentions may be purely and painfully platonic. He asked me for my number, which I don't have, having no phone, and then said to email him and we should get coffee or something on Sunday. He's away in Italy all week. Well, on ne sait jamais...what say you B.los and Amanda? Dodge this bullet quick?